I’m really scared

but I don’t want to be

and I was trying to just hold on and hope that this would stabilise after a bit, after the dose reduction on Sunday

but I don’t think I can
it is clear that I have passed some kind of threshold in the medication and I am not handling this

and it’s terrifying to me to admit this to you all because the overwhelming dread in me tells me not to because you will think I’m .. pick any negative word really, and that works.

there is still a little bit of rational mind in there that tells me that’s not right and I need to try to trust you all to help me and not be disgusted by me. well. I hope this is the rational part, and not the other part.

so I’m doing the opposite to what feels like the smart thing to do and telling you and asking you to please help me and please be patient with me and please not let me lose myself to this darkness

because I don’t think there’s an immediate fix. I am obviously feeling this way because I have been decreasing the amount of Efexor over the last 3 months in the hope I will learn to sleep again, and I have reached a tipping point in the depression side of it where I can tell that I actually need the drugs to balance some shit in my brain so that I can actually experience life the way I want to. but I can’t just start taking the Efexor again and be fine, because the lack of proper sleep was .. well, is.. also really fucking me up. and I haven’t felt any improvement in my sleep quality, so the Efexor needs to keep decreasing.

but I have other fears too. what if I get all the way to zero on Efexor and I still can’t sleep properly. what if that ends up being another incorrect theory and all of this was for nothing.

what if I try other medicines and they don’t work or they have side effects? I know you can’t always avoid side effects but I just need to find some that I can live with and tolerate. and even if I do try other medicines they don’t usually work immediately. maybe I will be a little better off in that regard because I do have the Efexor still and that is already doing part of the job and something else can just pick up the slack and slowly build to doing the whole job as I continue to decrease the Efexor.

I don’t want to keep living like this and I am doing this to try to be better. more clear minded. more energetic. maybe even less pain. I don’t know if I am doing the right things or if I am just going to make more problems. I thought I was doing the right thing taking this medicine for so long like they told me to do. it scares me a little bit that I don’t think anyone actually really knows “the right thing” because I don’t think there is one single right thing and even the doctors are just giving their best guesses.

but I am trying to do something and I hope that me trying is enough and that if I fall further into this darkness you will help me keep trying until something makes a difference. it’s really scary to acknowledge that I need to change things and try something new and to know that things might get worse before they get better and know that means I need to trust the people I love to keep me moving forward when the overwhelming feeling inside me tells me that I am not worthy of you all and the much safer thing would be to try to pretend I am fine and not give anyone reason to doubt me or get frustrated with me. it tells me that by doing this I am just giving you the reasons you need to see that I’m a waste of time.

that feeling is so loud and overwhelming right now. I can only push it away for short bursts.

and i’m just really fucking tired of always having to push it away and so I’m saying to that depression and disease.. fine. prove it. either way, it will be proved right and I won’t need to bother trying to counter it all the time or the sliver of hope in here that keeps trying to tell me it’s wrong will be proven right.

but I’m tired of fighting and tired of being scared and just begging you please to tell me that it is worth it. I am worth it? I need you to tell me you believe in me and want me to keep trying and push through and get better because you want me and need me. because Ive run out of believe in myself at the moment.