I feel like I am just failing at everything sometimes.

I’m trying to manage all the things and seek out the best options and whatever for everyone and it just seems like all of the effort I make has very little result.

my body is fucked and i don’t know what is wrong with it and I don’t think the doctor really knows either. for several years I have been having really fucking heavy bleeding during my periods, I was switched up to super tampons and still getting leaks. I figured out that once it got to an hour and a half since I put it in, it was time to start planning to go again to get a new one, because if it got to two hours there would almost definitely be leakage. I bought some period undies. they manage leaks. I still needed the tampons. I told the doctor I needed something done to change it because for that week my crotch felt like it was falling out and it is really difficult to do shit when you need to be able to go to the toilet every hour and a half. especially when you walk slow because you don’t want to get shooting pains through your legs and back that make you stumble. ha ha lol but that’s a different problem.

he was like, you should get an iud and I was like, hmm, I dunno because I did that once before and the hormones make me feel very bad and the strings irritated and poked at both me and Daniel and overall it was very unfun. but he said they were probably left too long or something and they are a lot softer these days so i took the script. but then I came home and talked to Daniel and he was like why would you do that, you hated it last time. and I said yeah but I felt pressured and none of the other things are good either; both types of pills didn’t agree with me. the implant is essentially the same hormone as the iud just in your arm instead of your uterus so I would imagine I would feel similarly shite with that. what I wanted was an endometrial ablation. Daniel didn’t know what that was so I explained it to him and he thought it sounded pretty horrifying but said if that’s what I thought was best I should ask. the only problem is that I had read multiple sources saying that it was very hard to get signed off for that if you hadn’t tried literally everything else and were able to convince them you weren’t going to regret fucking up your fertility in a few years. I felt reasonably sure we could be convincing that we weren’t suddenly going to want more kids since I fucked up my fertility 16 years ago by getting him snipped. so I decided to go back to the doc and ask for a referral to a gyn to beg for ablation and in the meantime ask about a prescription for depo, which was the only major thing I never tried. that way by the time I got to the gyn I could safely say that I had tried all the things. now it is not generally used specifically for heavy bleeding but in a lot of people it makes the periods stop or become almost nothing so it did have the potential of solving my problem.

that shit is fucking nasty.

note added 20250610: found this unfinished in the drafts, so I’m just undrafting it and leaving as it is.