I feel nauseous. Partly because I feel like everything is going to shit and partly because I’m still in the middle of a migraine but I can’t go and lay down because then it feels like I am doing nothing and being the cause for all of the problems.

Arthur’s transmission went. We got some money from cashing in some of Daniel’s accumulated holiday time and got Sirius. Now Neville is fucked. I knew he needed some stuff done but I didn’t realise that it was so bad that he is essentially not legal. So. No one knows what the actual problem is, so the only way to try to fix it would be to start swapping out parts and see what happened. That is of course not an economical option and therefore not an option. He’s registered until December and I had been hoping to try to save and scrape together something to find something to replace by then but looks like it is much more urgent than that.

So looks like I am back to not having a car for a while.

The Abigail situation is as always on a balance and you never know when it’s going to become unstable. She lost her shit a while back and I have contacted CYMHS and others asking for help. CYMHS referred us to some other place. They did shit fucking all. The lady that called me said that they had some possibilities if Abigail was willing to work with them. There was some kind of intensive youth worker who would work with her from home to try to teach skills like not going psycho on your family but she didn’t qualify for that or something. I also asked what options we had if she didn’t want to be cooperative and she told me that there were none. There’s not really anything that can be done without the child’s consent. So thanks for that. I am telling all these people that she loses it at tiny things, or things that we have no control over, she has physically hurt us and threatened to physically hurt us and we don’t know if and when it will happen again and how bad it will be and there is nothing that can be done. So that was obviously a great helpful relief to know that we are all alone and no one fucking cares that our safety could be at risk and we (figuratively) tiptoe around her and lie to her in order to try to not set her off and we can never relax because we never know what could do it and there is no help available for us.

I did get a piece of paper from the paediatrician that says that she has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder level 1. I asked for her to formalise the diagnosis because I wanted a fucking paper trail that shows I have been trying to get help for this and I don’t want to be the one that is blamed if she loses it one day and burns down a building full of people or something. You know what fucking pisses me off though is that we first took her to a psychologist when she was 9. We have been seeking help from various people and services since then. Everyone says that with ASD the most effective thing is EARLY INTERVENTION. Yet it took until last year to effectively get a confirmation that she had it, and even then the paediatrician told us there was not much point in formally recording the diagnosis because she functions too well at school and shit for her to ever see any kind of assistance. That’s because she’s extremely skilled in masking or camouflaging her ASD traits to seem normal when she’s in public but then the weight and effort involved in that results in us dealing with the fallout. But it’s not like we didn’t TELL all these professional people these things. We did. So why did none of them pick up on this? Time and time again I told people how bad it is and how miserable it makes us all and all we got was “do a parenting class” or “be more firm.”

Anyway. Apparently with the piece of paper that says she has ASD we may be able to claim a Carer’s Allowance. So I have applied for that. I don’t know why no one felt the need to mention THAT when they first confirmed to us that she has it, either, ’cause in the in depth family history and shit they take it has certainly been mentioned that we are not exactly blessed with an overabundance of dollars. And everything helps.

But whatever.

Oh, and still haven’t heard anything about the DSP.