Somehow I managed to frack up my wordpress when I tried posting the other day. It’s taken me this long to get it back again, between it not wanting to be fixed and me not having time to make it be fixed anyway. But it is fixed, and upgraded even. Though I am not sure if I like this new look or not.
I had a query about the last topic I mentioned in the previous entry, so I suppose that is a good place to start from today. c asked: is the last problem you mentioned that neil isn’t really into family & the way you & your mum spend so much time together? i really hate that. someone who’s so not into family really bugs me. i dealt with that for years.
I’m not doing anything to provoke him, I’m not doing anything different than I ever have been. And the person who is most affected by my presence seems to like it, so I try to keep that in mind. Part of what annoys me is that it’s not just me, it’s the children too. And most of the time they don’t know, or don’t notice or aren’t in the wrong place at the wrong time so it’s ok. But a few weeks ago he was rude to Stephanie when she was just asking him a simple question, and she asked several times thinking that he hadn’t heard her the first time(s), yet the rest of us all knew that he darn well did hear her and was being spiteful and ignoring her. That is what really pisses me off. She didn’t do anything wrong. She came with me. If you have a problem then be horrible to me but not to her. When he does that it really makes me want to shake him to see if maybe something might change in there.
So even though I know that it’s not my/our fault, per se, I still feel angry and bad that he takes out his problem with me and my attachments on her, by being grumpy and jealous and whatever else. Even though I know it’s all to do with his perception and that I haven’t done anything wrong, I still don’t like being felt that way about.
Being somewhat Pollyanna, though, I can find a small bit of good.. I can joke to myself that I must have gotten better at whatever it is that bothers people. With him, all that is required is my presence, or my existence even. Back in the day, my general existence wasn’t enough to set off a war, I had to actually display some kind of personality “flaw” to send a person to sulk into her alcohol. When that happened then, I really did feel like there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I was a terrible failure as a person. That I can now find an ironic humour in having “improved” at pissing people off is a huge indicator of how far I have come and how much my sense of self-worth has grown when I am able to hold onto the knowledge that it isn’t me, it’s them.