It is the unexpected things that really hit me hard. I started this out thinking I was just saying something about my body and muscles and bones but I realised that it really kind of applies to my mind as well. But anyway. Yesterday I did a thing, which ai thought was a productive thing to do on a Saturday afternoon, and instead it turned out to be a stupidly ill advised thing which I am still paying for more than 24 hours later. The thing was washing some windows. A while back we got one of those things you attach to the hose to wash windows but we didn’t get around to doing it and I took my curtains down to wash and noticed the windows were a bit dirty so I thought I would do that. In hindsight, I can see exactly how it was a bad idea. Second storey windows means holding the bottle of stuff with the hose up high over your head to aim it at the windows and then continuinung to hold the hose up in order to rinse it all. Anything that involves uneven usage between the sides of my body is a big mistake. Strangely enough, though it is often the case, the muscles protesting in tightly knotted pain are the ones up and down the left side of me, but it was my right hand and arm I was using to do the window washing.
But obviously I did not have the benefit of the hindsight before I did this and it seems like such a simple and innocuous task to do, not one that will leave you in such pain that you look at yourself in the mirror as you are washing your hands after going to the toilet and find yourself thinking about people with the “suicide disease” and wondering if this is how they (Because the connected muscles have tensed up all the was from below my scapula, up through my neck, across my scalp and down into my cheek.) I know that this will settle down in a couple of days, though unfortunately I know it will also happen again despite my best efforts to not do wonky things. Sometimes it just happens with no apparent triggering activity. Sometimes it’s not my back-shoulders-neck-head-face but the muscles right in the lower back and around my hips. This seems pretty common from what people say in a fb group I joined. Also from that group I have come to the conclusion that as shite as I sometimes feel, what I am experiencing is quite mild compared to many others. Sometimes people share the x-rays and MRI pictures of their spines, and some of them are really fucking horrifying. And this is all for a condition that many sources still list as causing little to no pain. And lots of doctors are telling people they shouldn’t be in pain from Scheuermann’s Disease and essentially telling them that they are wasting time. How any somewhat sane person could look at the imaging of these bones and expect a person should have no health deficit due to their condition is beyond me. In one that I saw, the lady’s spine was so curved that it was almost U shaped.
I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining when there are people worse off than me. Though logically I know that the suffering of others does not negate mine, there’s that entrenched mindset we have been taught that we should not complain about our lot if there would be people who’d be happy to take it on because of how much of an improvement it would be for them. Only the poorest and sickest can ever feel sorry for themselves. The rest of us should just be grateful because “it could be worse.” Like those two things must be mutually exclusive. I am glad that I’m not more curved but that doesn’t mean I don’t imagine what it would be like to have a spine that holds you up the way it is supposed to, doesn’t make you look like a freak, and muscles that are not so over-tired that it takes very little to make them knot up.