parent sex/married sex

First of all, I do understand that this lady’s post was somewhat tongue in cheek and exaggerated for the comedy value, but these kind of posts kind of disturb me. And I have nothing against her personally, it’s just her post has gone viral and is being talked about a lot right now.

But.. is it literally “just me” or is this what most people’s lives become like after they’ve had kids? Or been married for more than 5 minutes? Why is it almost always implied that it’s inevitable that you either lose interest in each other or have no time for each other after you add young people to your family? A recent group conversation that Daniel and I were a part of, someone made a comment about how “[they’ve] only been married for a month and aren’t having sex anymore, so there’s no way that you can be still!” (Because we have been together for 17 years.) And then there are comments on this lady’s post to the effect of “omg you’re going to emotionally scar your children by having sex while they are awake/in the house you suck at parenting and marriage.”

I thought part of being a good parent was to demonstrate a happy and healthy relationship for your children? But why does that mean having to have a super-quickie in 3.5 minutes (and that implies one person got much more enjoyment out of the activity than the other) so that they don’t know what you’re doing? I know you’re not going to leave a baby crying while you get busy, but if your kid is more than like, two, then they’re old enough to understand that they don’t always get what they want immediately and that parents have needs too, which – shockingly – might not involve them.

I really am curious about this. Though my children might like to pretend that Daniel and I do not ever do anything but lay together in our bed reading our iPads and being completely boring, I know that they know that is not actually reality. (And we readily admit to finding great amusement in jokingly reminding them occasionally that such activities do occur. It’s like feeding your toddler lemon.. you know you probably shouldn’t, but it’s just so easy and their reaction so hilarious that you really can’t help yourself.) I don’t understand why they think it is disgusting for us to have sex/make love/fuck (whatever term floats your boat). I don’t recall thinking that way when I was younger. I’m not talking about considering the ‘in-and-out’ (soz), logisitcal, nitty-gritty details of what we do, because yeah – thinking about anyone else’s sex life apart from your own in that kind of detail is kind of weird. But they’ve picked up the idea from somewhere (certainly not here) that the very concept of there being a physical aspect to our relationship is gross. Even kissing (and not even fully gung-ho kissing, either) each other in their presence is enough to elicit complaints. But I just don’t know why. It could just be yet another example of how I was not a typical child but I always understood that kissing, hugging, touching, making love were all pleasant ways for adults who love each other to share affection and I don’t remember ever thinking that was disgusting. (Now that I am an adult I also understand that some people like to do these things with people they don’t necessarily love, and while I don’t personally relate, neither do I particularly care as long as everyone is informed and consenting.)

But back to the whole “parent sex” thing, where you’re just about acting like fugitives to hide from your children to get a few minutes together when it’s been “almost a month.” Is this really real? Like do normal everyday reasonably young and healthy couples really go that long without fucking? It’s like that whole “six week rule” after you have a baby. No one actually does that and waits for permission from someone not attached to your genitals before starting to use them again, do they? For most people, does becoming a parent really mean that other people get to set the rules for your sex life?

parent sex/married sex

satellites with rings

Interesting conversation with Kristian yesterday afternoon while we were waiting outside the school for the girls.
(K is Kristian, J is me and M is my mother.)

K: I can see two moons in the sky!
J: That’s interesting..
M: yes .. especially since this planet only has one moon.
K: I can see TWO moons!
J: Are you sure they’re both moons?
K: Yes.
J: (partly to self) “That’s no moon..”
K: Yes, there are two moons.
J: Oh.
K: What do you think it is?
J: Oh, I thought maybe it was a Death Star.
K: What?
J: A Death Star.
K: A dead star?
M: Death Star.
K: It’s not a dead star.
J: Not dead, Death! Death Star.
K: A deaf star?
Now we are becoming somewhat amused.
M: No, not a deaf star. That would be a star that couldn’t hear. A Death Star.
K: A Jeff star?
Laughter.
M: Yes, it’s a Jeff star.
K: I can see one moon and one Jeff star! … When’s Abigail going to come out?

And some grown-up embarrasment thanks to Stephanie. She was tidying up the dining table that had become somewhat swamped in kid’s belongings and scraps of paper and things. And apparently one such scrap left behind by an adult. I was in the kitchen and she walks in holding up a small piece of card. “Do you need this?” she asks.

I look, and squint to figure out what it is. It’s the insert from the packet of something that Daniel bought a month or two ago came in. I only read as far as the words “Cock Ring”. Oh my god. “No, put it in the bin,” I tell her in a rush, trying to seem casual.

She leans over and puts it in the bin and I start to breathe a sigh of relief. That could have been awkward. But then she turns back around. “What’s a cock ring?”

SHITE! “Er.. nothing. Just nevermind.”

“Should I look it up on Google?”

“NO!” I all but yell, picturing the kind of results you’d get for that particular search. “NO! Do not do that.” Fuck a duck. I sigh. “It’s… a thing for grown-ups.”

“Oh.” She gets an embarrased look on her face and rapidly goes away. Hooray for ten-year-olds being embarrased by the thought of sex.

satellites with rings

things of interest

I’m not into news in general, because most of it is a bit boring. I do like to read the articles in the “Oddly Enough” category, though, because they are often good for a laugh or a WTF? There seem to be a lot of those this week.

I find the story about the Icelandic Phallological Museum to be quite amusing. The guy has a collection of 261 penises from 90 different species. He apparently doesn’t have a human penis yet, but has had several men offer to donate theirs once they no longer require it.

Then there’s this article about a Canadian woman was having some rather rough and unusual sexual fun with her partner and ended up on three years probation. He asked her to carve a love heart into his chest. She slipped and punctured his actual heart. Now I certainly can’t imagine wanting to do that or have it done to me but the woman was charged with assault and the article implies her sentence was one of the “light” ones that you get when you plead guilty instead of trying to get off. Given that the guy had ASKED her to do it and the injury part was an accident, isn’t assault a little bit harsh? It was a consensual activity between two adults that had an unfortunate result. So can anyone who injures themselves accidentally during sex now charge their partner with assault? Sorry, but that just seems ludicrous. Anyone who engages in vigorous (and sometimes rough) physical activities should expect that occasionally you’ll get a bump or scratch you weren’t expecting. It’s a part of the game. If you don’t like it, don’t play.

Further to that topic, here’s a more lighthearted article about sexual related injuries :) Though this part did give me pause for thought:

“Six patients presented with a precipitous decrease in vision in one eye with no apparent predisposing factors. After obtaining a careful history, each patient revealed that he or she had been engaging in rigorous sexual activity…”
In these cases, the patients popped blood vessels in their eyes, perhaps from screaming during orgasm.

But then you get stories like the one about a young couple who were killed in India. And this is the kind that just makes me wonder why? Their crime? Being in love, and wanting to spend their lives together, basically. They had loved each other since school age, yet she’d still been forced into an arranged marriage with another man. To make their “crime” worse, it’s a taboo to marry someone from the same village as you, and the guy was from a lower caste than the girl. I think what is most difficult for me to understand is that her own parents don’t see anything wrong with the way she was killed, and her father even confessed to having a part in it and is PROUD that he did it. How could you do that to your child? How can that family be so different to me? My most sincere hope for my children is that they grow up and find someone that they love and who loves them. Yet that guy sees that as so terrible that it is worth taking his own child’s life. I really hope that the couple and their unborn child (she was 22 weeks pregnant when she was murdered) are together now in another world where no one challenges their right to love.

I wish that this world could be that way.

things of interest