more than 4 and less than 6

so i missed a day yesterday. after 4 days. i just felt too shite. had a bolt in my head all day, and towards the evening as i tried laying quietly in my bed i just felt so nauseus from the pain. felt most frustrated with the small people who do not have any concept of this kind of pain and therefore don’t see the need to stay very still instead of bouncing about and don’t understand that the light is off because i don’t WANT to see and you’re not actually being helpful by turning it on.

earlier this week we thought that i may be dealing with side effects from the lithium that i had expected to be starting after my appointment the other day, so neil was on standby to be the chemo person incase i wasn’t able. then the lithium wasn’t a problem but i felt so crappy yesterday that i didn’t know if i would be better by today or not so i said that yes, i thought it would be a good idea to plan for him to go. i felt really bad doing that, like i was really letting her down. and that sounds horrible because he is after all her husband and not trusting him to be as good a support person as me is kind of.. vain? i don’t know. but he does tend to the brusque side of things and that’s not what is needed in this situation. i wrote a note, a list, of things to remember and things to be done. i don’t know if he read it. and if he did i don’t know if he took it as a helpful list of things or as an insult to his competency. i’m inclined to expect the latter, probably because everything i do is wrong for him. or he might think it a list of stupid things that are silly and indulgent of people’s chemically altered thoughts and not the kind of crap he is going to bother with.

i really really hope he does it all right so i don’t have to continue to hate myself for not having been there when i should have been.

since he took mum to chemo and stephanie is at school and abigail and kristian are at kinder and daniel is at work, i am actually here with no one needing me right now. after i took stephanie to school i stopped in a kidnapped dora. dognapped. though does it actually count as dognapping if the dognapee comes willingly? and in fact tells you to hurry up while you are trying to place the ransom note? she has had a nice time here i think, she sniffed everything and has had quite a few naps. she has had a look around outside but happily she heeded my warning not to get the sticky seed things all over herself. i did have to tell her she was not allowed to bark at zaphod since he lives here and she doesn’t. we shared a scotch finger biscuit and a salami stick. i chased her with the vacuum a bit.

now i am just having an apple and about to go take her back so i can pick up stephanie and take in abigail’s birth certificate to the school because i keep forgetting and they need to see it so she can start school next year. she is extremely excited and is now counting down the number of kinder days left before it’s holidays and then after that “and after kristian’s birthday i’ll be going to school every day!”

more than 4 and less than 6

hiccup

Somehow I managed to frack up my wordpress when I tried posting the other day. It’s taken me this long to get it back again, between it not wanting to be fixed and me not having time to make it be fixed anyway. But it is fixed, and upgraded even. Though I am not sure if I like this new look or not.

I had a query about the last topic I mentioned in the previous entry, so I suppose that is a good place to start from today. c asked: is the last problem you mentioned that neil isn’t really into family & the way you & your mum spend so much time together? i really hate that. someone who’s so not into family really bugs me. i dealt with that for years.

Yeah.

I’m not doing anything to provoke him, I’m not doing anything different than I ever have been. And the person who is most affected by my presence seems to like it, so I try to keep that in mind. Part of what annoys me is that it’s not just me, it’s the children too. And most of the time they don’t know, or don’t notice or aren’t in the wrong place at the wrong time so it’s ok. But a few weeks ago he was rude to Stephanie when she was just asking him a simple question, and she asked several times thinking that he hadn’t heard her the first time(s), yet the rest of us all knew that he darn well did hear her and was being spiteful and ignoring her. That is what really pisses me off. She didn’t do anything wrong. She came with me. If you have a problem then be horrible to me but not to her. When he does that it really makes me want to shake him to see if maybe something might change in there.

So even though I know that it’s not my/our fault, per se, I still feel angry and bad that he takes out his problem with me and my attachments on her, by being grumpy and jealous and whatever else. Even though I know it’s all to do with his perception and that I haven’t done anything wrong, I still don’t like being felt that way about.

Being somewhat Pollyanna, though, I can find a small bit of good.. I can joke to myself that I must have gotten better at whatever it is that bothers people. With him, all that is required is my presence, or my existence even. Back in the day, my general existence wasn’t enough to set off a war, I had to actually display some kind of personality “flaw” to send a person to sulk into her alcohol. When that happened then, I really did feel like there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I was a terrible failure as a person. That I can now find an ironic humour in having “improved” at pissing people off is a huge indicator of how far I have come and how much my sense of self-worth has grown when I am able to hold onto the knowledge that it isn’t me, it’s them.

hiccup