irrevocably

last week kristian asked me to get him a drink of apple juice. I told him that i would in just a minute and he wandered off doing whatever he wad doing. so I got up and made the drink for him and left it on the bench. a few minutes later I vaguely noticed him come back to the kitchen and have some of his drink and then head back towards what he was doing. but then he paused in the entrance to the kitchen and, like it was a kind of afterthought, told me, “i told you to get me a drink of apple shoes, mummy… well done.”
and continued on his merry way.

my new favourite quote thing is about “lobbing ‘nades at team jacob” from this week’s bff report. srsly. I don’t often watch those kind of articles on the wowhead blog but I was interested to see the new worgen stuff and i chuckled to myself all day about the twilight joke, silly though it was. (i’ll definitely have to check out next week’s bff report though, coz it’s goblins! can’t wait to roll me a goblin!)

i’ve been fuelling the twilight obsession by reading, um, unofficial additional material. there is some extremely strange shite out there. i’m talking about when you follow a link from somewhere to a different story only to find that the main relationship depicted is, say, edward and jasper, and yes, it goes there. that is not kosher. i don’t necessarily have a problem with slash, though i don’t really get the appeal, but i generally don’t care for non-canon pairings. perhaps because i get attached to the characters when i read, and when i have exhausted all canon sources for a particular series but i am not ready to move onto different characters, that is when i look at the fanfics. i want more of the people I have become attached to and when people write ‘alternate universe’ or ‘all human’ or ‘all muggle’ or non-canon relationships, it’s not a continuation of the story or a filling in of missing parts to the story, it’s.. using the names of characters that people already like so that they will read your story which doesn’t actually have anything to do with what they were looking for in the first place. it makes me feel misled and annoyed.
anyway. i was going to say that the people who are writing the twilight ff need to really give the word irrevocably a break. it was different and highlighted the whole ‘past the point of no return’ feeling the first time but when i see it used time after time after time…. come on, get a damn thesaurus, people.
i do have one non-canon pairing that i approve of, and that is sirius and remus. i love tonks and all, but i really thought it should have been moony and padfoot 4 eva. ;P
if you’re into it, you should check out this parody fic, funny shite. Nessie, or Renesmee, as absolutely no one called her ever because it is the single worst name in the history of the universe, even worse than “Blandina” which is actually the name of the patron saint of those falsely accused of cannibalism, and also worse than “Albus Severus” no matter what you might think, had demanded that she make friends. mostly twilight but has references to harry potter and other stuff, especially other vampire genres.

i have made a terrible error, in that i am too prepared for an upcoming event and now i must face temptation even greater than the scent of bella’s blood for the next 30 days. the upcoming event? a birthday. the error? i bought a present. it’s a re……AGGHHHHHH! NO! MUST RESIST!!! allow me to go fling myself against the far wall…

tomorrow, my mother and i are going to begin painting the town red. well, actually, not so much red really, as i’m not a huge fan of red and i don’t think her design contains great amounts of it either. and it’s not the whole town, just two parts of it. traffic boxes! and the best part is that we get to paint over the top of stuff done by the guy who stole our first box. i shall take great pleasure in painting over his name, so much so that i might even do it twice. so there.

and for a final bit of random, what is with the names of the dk minions? they totally suck. instead of stupid things like tombcrawler and wormslither could we maybe get some motherfuckers and arsekickers? i’m sure all the mobs would be much more scared and die much more quickly if they were being attacked by risen dead with somewhat less lame names.

irrevocably

more than 4 and less than 6

so i missed a day yesterday. after 4 days. i just felt too shite. had a bolt in my head all day, and towards the evening as i tried laying quietly in my bed i just felt so nauseus from the pain. felt most frustrated with the small people who do not have any concept of this kind of pain and therefore don’t see the need to stay very still instead of bouncing about and don’t understand that the light is off because i don’t WANT to see and you’re not actually being helpful by turning it on.

earlier this week we thought that i may be dealing with side effects from the lithium that i had expected to be starting after my appointment the other day, so neil was on standby to be the chemo person incase i wasn’t able. then the lithium wasn’t a problem but i felt so crappy yesterday that i didn’t know if i would be better by today or not so i said that yes, i thought it would be a good idea to plan for him to go. i felt really bad doing that, like i was really letting her down. and that sounds horrible because he is after all her husband and not trusting him to be as good a support person as me is kind of.. vain? i don’t know. but he does tend to the brusque side of things and that’s not what is needed in this situation. i wrote a note, a list, of things to remember and things to be done. i don’t know if he read it. and if he did i don’t know if he took it as a helpful list of things or as an insult to his competency. i’m inclined to expect the latter, probably because everything i do is wrong for him. or he might think it a list of stupid things that are silly and indulgent of people’s chemically altered thoughts and not the kind of crap he is going to bother with.

i really really hope he does it all right so i don’t have to continue to hate myself for not having been there when i should have been.

since he took mum to chemo and stephanie is at school and abigail and kristian are at kinder and daniel is at work, i am actually here with no one needing me right now. after i took stephanie to school i stopped in a kidnapped dora. dognapped. though does it actually count as dognapping if the dognapee comes willingly? and in fact tells you to hurry up while you are trying to place the ransom note? she has had a nice time here i think, she sniffed everything and has had quite a few naps. she has had a look around outside but happily she heeded my warning not to get the sticky seed things all over herself. i did have to tell her she was not allowed to bark at zaphod since he lives here and she doesn’t. we shared a scotch finger biscuit and a salami stick. i chased her with the vacuum a bit.

now i am just having an apple and about to go take her back so i can pick up stephanie and take in abigail’s birth certificate to the school because i keep forgetting and they need to see it so she can start school next year. she is extremely excited and is now counting down the number of kinder days left before it’s holidays and then after that “and after kristian’s birthday i’ll be going to school every day!”

more than 4 and less than 6

sorry

I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself this week. It’s been quite hot which always makes things seem more difficult. Nothing really bad has happened to me but I have had lots of little accidents which piled up to make me feel rather attacked by Murphy.

Last Saturday I had a migraine which I tried to pretend I didn’t have by refusing to stop doing things, so my mother and Abigail and I went to the Brisstyle Market at Hamilton. I kept having nurofens and putting migrastick on to help it feel less bad. I think that was the start of my adventures. The migraine in itself and also getting migrastick very close to my eyes. I dab it across the top of my forehead at the hairline usually. But because it was really hot that day and we were walking back to the ferry, I was sweating. The sweat obviously carried the oils from the migrastick downwards and spread it out. My whole forehead and eyelids were burning icy sting. I had to use a baby wipe to get the stuff off myself. I joked to Daniel that now I knew what it was like to be him, as his skin is too sensitive to use migrastick because it just burns him.

I think the next thing I did was a paper cut on an envelope, of a Christmas card that Daniel’s parents sent us. I sliced it right across the base of my fingernail on my pointer finger. I was surprised at how much it bled. Then after I’d gotten that under control and bandaided up and stuff, I was mkaing dinner and stabbed the end of the knife into my finger accidentally. The opposite finger to the one I cut with the envelope, just to keep things balanced.

There was also pinching my finger between some pliers and dropping the tabletop of a small table on my fingers when I was taking it apart to put in the car to bring to my mum’s house for the kids to sit at for Midsummer lunch.

I’ve got another cut on the meaty/muscle part of my thumb that I don’t know where it came from. Then on Thursday afternoon I was getting ready for Daniel’s work end of year party and I was trying to straighten my hair a bit and somehow lost my grip on the straightening iron. Of course I regrabbed it straight away so it didn’t fall, except by that time my hand was around the hot part, giving me a rather painful burn on my thumb. I put ice on it which was great, but I couldn’t find my germolene so I couldn’t get that on it until we got to my mum’s house and I used hers. For about the first two hours if I took the ice off for more than about 15 seconds, it stung and burned like a son of a. Which is of course why, during that time, Kristian filled his nappy in a disgusting way. You can’t change a nappy while you’re holding an icepack.

While we were at the party I managed to get a splinter in my hand. No idea how, or where it came from. Luckily Daniel keeps a little splinter remover thing in his wallet. After we came back from the party, I spent the night at my mum and Neil’s house with the kids, since Daniel wanted to take the car to work the next day and he would have had to bring us back really early anyway because my grandparents and auntie came down yesterday to visit. The kids were supposed to be on mattresses on the floor but Abigail decided she would sleep in the bed too, so I spent most of the night right on the edge. I don’t know how such a skinny child takes up so much space. So that’s not entirely conducive to the most satisfying night’s sleep.

Abigail wasn’t feeling well yesterday so fun thing #1 occurred when she threw up all over me. And herself of course. I took her into the shower to get us cleaned off and when I tried to get out of the shower fun thing #2 for yesterday happened. The shower door is a bit stiff and I couldn’t open it properly, then one of the parts had come out of it’s track, so I was trying to lift it back in and while doing that managed to knock the other part out. It fell outwards, the bathroom door stopped it from sliding far away and spreading glass further but unfortunately that also meant that it fell on my two smallest toes, cutting them a bit too. I suppose I should be grateful that it didn’t hit Abigail at all but by that point I was seriously feeling pretty fucking sorry for myself and didn’t care about her, especially since it was her “fault” I was in the shower in the first place :) I also must have tried to catch the door a bit with my hand as I have a bruise on the corner pointy bone part of my wrist and that’s kind of tender.

Later after everyone was gone we decided to go in the pool again. I had to go and collect my bathers from the bath where I had thrown them after I rinsed them off in the shower (that’s what I was wearing when Abby threw up on me.) My mum and the girls went to the pool and Kristian was just wandering around near the pool waiting for me. Because he had been quite excited to get in the pool, he had been helpful by removing his own nappy.

I think most people can probably see where this is going.

Of course, it can never be so simple as to just have to wipe his bum and pick up the shite, can it? Dora took it upon herself to run off with the offending lumps in her mouth. So I had to chase after her with the pooper scooper and prise her jaws open to get her to spit it out. Oh yes, fun times INDEED.

To top it off, last night I started to feel most unwell and thought I must have had what Abigail had. Stephanie was ill earlier in the week too but it was thankfully one of those fleeting things and after a night’s sleep she was fine again. So I took myself to bed very early in order to hopefully make that go away.

I do feel better this morning, although somewhat tired still – probably from the late night and bad sleep Thursday as well as the valium I had last night to help me sleep better. Now today it is Midsummer and I am making a declaration. I WILL NOT be injured or thrown up on or shit on or otherwise inconvenienced or discomforted today. I WILL NOT. Or I may just snap.

sorry

hiccup

Somehow I managed to frack up my wordpress when I tried posting the other day. It’s taken me this long to get it back again, between it not wanting to be fixed and me not having time to make it be fixed anyway. But it is fixed, and upgraded even. Though I am not sure if I like this new look or not.

I had a query about the last topic I mentioned in the previous entry, so I suppose that is a good place to start from today. c asked: is the last problem you mentioned that neil isn’t really into family & the way you & your mum spend so much time together? i really hate that. someone who’s so not into family really bugs me. i dealt with that for years.

Yeah.

I’m not doing anything to provoke him, I’m not doing anything different than I ever have been. And the person who is most affected by my presence seems to like it, so I try to keep that in mind. Part of what annoys me is that it’s not just me, it’s the children too. And most of the time they don’t know, or don’t notice or aren’t in the wrong place at the wrong time so it’s ok. But a few weeks ago he was rude to Stephanie when she was just asking him a simple question, and she asked several times thinking that he hadn’t heard her the first time(s), yet the rest of us all knew that he darn well did hear her and was being spiteful and ignoring her. That is what really pisses me off. She didn’t do anything wrong. She came with me. If you have a problem then be horrible to me but not to her. When he does that it really makes me want to shake him to see if maybe something might change in there.

So even though I know that it’s not my/our fault, per se, I still feel angry and bad that he takes out his problem with me and my attachments on her, by being grumpy and jealous and whatever else. Even though I know it’s all to do with his perception and that I haven’t done anything wrong, I still don’t like being felt that way about.

Being somewhat Pollyanna, though, I can find a small bit of good.. I can joke to myself that I must have gotten better at whatever it is that bothers people. With him, all that is required is my presence, or my existence even. Back in the day, my general existence wasn’t enough to set off a war, I had to actually display some kind of personality “flaw” to send a person to sulk into her alcohol. When that happened then, I really did feel like there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I was a terrible failure as a person. That I can now find an ironic humour in having “improved” at pissing people off is a huge indicator of how far I have come and how much my sense of self-worth has grown when I am able to hold onto the knowledge that it isn’t me, it’s them.

hiccup