twenty

Last week.. actually it’s almost two weeks now.. we had our twentieth wedding anniversary. This makes me happy. Of course.

Sometimes people say it’s something to feel proud of. Making a relationship work for that long and still missing each other during the day and still wanting to fuck and stuff like that. They’re like, you must have worked hard to do that. And I’m like.. well… no.

It’s easy.

Being married to Daniel is the easiest thing in the world. Being happy with him, wanting to make him happy, wanting it so much that it is easy to put aside other things I might want is not something that takes an effort to do. Making him happy makes me happy. When people talk about having to work to achieve this, it doesn’t seem like how my life is. Aren’t the “other things” meant to fade away when compared to your spouse’s wants and needs? If they don’t come first and you have to force it, why persist with the relationship? Is this part of the reason why so many places have such high rates of separation and divorce?

It isn’t that we never disagree about things or have different preferences. We do. It’s just that it’s rare that we might have different views and it is a super high priority for both of us. If something matters more to him than it does me, then it’s easy for me to let go of what I wanted and he is the same. Sometimes I do do things that don’t feel instinctively natural, like offering to give him a Creme Egg. Sometimes he will take it and say thankyou and sometimes he says it’s ok and I should keep it for myself. Sometimes I cut up onion for him.

Where I run into problems is when what I want to be able to give him does not match up with what I have the ability to give him. I want to give him everything. The world. All of the most interesting and exciting things there are to see and do. But not even all of those things that aren’t even realistic for most people. But maybe the luxury of a car with decent air-conditioning and a stereo that works properly. Of not having to feel bad when your glasses are going to cost a few hundred dollars. Something he has been interested in doing for ages is getting a motorbike license but the course to learn has always been too much. I would love to be able to pay for the course for him as a surprise for his birthday or something like that. Like this year would be especially good because he’s turning 40 and it could be his midlife crisis, right on time. As it is he will probably have to go without one because we can’t afford it.

He doesn’t complain about these things. He doesn’t ask more of me than I am able to give. He actually encourages me to take it easy and rest more than I am likely to do by myself. I apologise sometimes for not having managed to do a particular thing on a particular day and he tells me not to worry about it. And I am so glad that he doesn’t worry about it and doesn’t feel resentful or ripped off at what I can’t manage. But I do feel that. It’s not just material things. Sometimes I would like to be all kinky and throw him down and do unspeakable things to him and be the boss and whatever… but five minutes in and my body is saying ouch. Or he wanted to go to a boating and fishing show and I said I would go with him and he said he thought it would be a lot and I said I’ll do it anyway because you want to go, but then he said it’s at like [wherever] and I realised that it really was a gigantic place and I probably could not actually do that. It is hard not to resent the things that I have to give up on and let go of because of this stupid condition. When it means that he is also giving up on things, it’s almost unbearable.

But somehow he doesn’t seem to be bothered by that. He says he just wants me. And that’s where I have a problem understanding, because I don’t know what is so good about me. There are the obvious reasons, of course, with baggage and being conditioned to believe that I was a pathetic excuse for a normal human being and that is a big factor. But even logically putting that aside I recognise that there is nothing special. There are lots of people that share some of the same traits that I do that are what I think make me a decent person. Some of them even aren’t crazy or fibro’d.

But then I think about it the other way around. If he was the one with fibro or anything else, I would do all I could to ease things for him. And I wouldn’t be mad about it because it would feel worse to know he was hurting and not do anything about it. And he is a good person and has lots of good qualities but so do lots of other people. But none of them appeal to me. So what is it?

Je ne sais quoi.

No one else is him. It is intangible, it is something I feel in my heart and my soul and in my breath and dreams and through other dimensions and lives. And knowing and feeling that means that even though I don’t fully understand it, I can believe that he wants me because no one else is me.

twenty

i don’t want to know

In a couple of hours, the result of this thing will be announced.

I was trying to explain this to Daniel last night. About why I feel scared. He sees things in very black and white terms, and his opinion is that it doesn’t matter what the result is anyway, because all the matters is what the few super rich people who support the politicians want. And while he may be correct about it “not mattering” in the whole non-binding part of it; and possibly also correct in that those rich people who talk into the ears of the politicians may influence any possible legislation that they try to make… it does matter.

It matters to me, and so very many people. Not the law part, but the “opinion” part.

If you remove any religious arguments, because we are a secular society; and you discard anything that is related to child-rearing, because in the 21st century parenting happens in many different forms and many of them are not a formal marriage between a man and a woman…. then you are left with the simple fact that marriage is a legal state which confers many benefits and which de-facto relationships have been clearly demonstrated to not give you… and some people are allowed the privilege of this status and some people are not. Fixing that should not be a matter of opinion.

We just want it done.

But in forcing this opinion poll, we are now forced to have a loud and public record of what the entire country thinks about gay people and their families. You can’t avoid the result, because it will be everywhere.

But what if we don’t want to know? Sometimes you purposely don’t ask a question if you don’t want to know the answer. Of if you are worried that the answer might be something you don’t like or can’t handle, that might hurt you or make you sad or angry or anything else. Sometimes it is easier and more peaceful to just live, and surround yourself with like-minded people and shut out all the others.

That choice has been taken away here.

I don’t think I’d be ready to ask, if it was up to me.

That’s why I’m scared. Because I don’t feel ready to know the result.

i don’t want to know

it’s a yes from me

It’s a yes from me.

Obviously.

By this point, a week before the end of voting closes, I’m really kind of fed up of the whole thing. Actually, not ‘kind of’.. I am fed up. It’s exhausting experiencing all of the things that one is prompted to feel when seeing people energetically and eagerly supporting and encouraging others to support the Yes campaign, and it is exhausting and disheartening and frustrating experiencing all of the feels when you see some of the incredibly mean-spirited and outright false stuff that the No campaign are saying in their attempt to convince people that they’re right. Even more frustrating and incomprehensible is that people actually seem to believe some of the patently ludicrous stuff they are putting out there.

And while I want to hope that change will happen, I have waited for too long and seen too many people say and do cruel and damaging things to LGBTQI+ people and their allies for far too long to actually believe that it will. Seen too many times where it seems like a problem has an obviously better and more humanitarian solution and people keep choosing the other thing. See the reality that the government could have just fixed this without having to spend a fuckload of money on a non-compulsory, non-binding opinion poll that’s given all the people who hate gays the opportunity to shout their propaganda as loudly as they want and it’s fucking fine because it’s their opinion and they have a right to campaign for what they believe and you have to respect that. But they didn’t.

And actually, no. I don’t have to respect your opinion. I respect your equal right (somebody fetch Alanis) in our society to have and even express an opinion; that does not mean I must respect whatever opinion it is that you hold. There’s a big difference. Further to that, while I agree that you can have your opinion and even that you should be able to express it without fear of persecution, I don’t believe that your right to do it means that you should do it. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all. Shortcomings in the rabbit’s grammar aside, isn’t this still a valuable lesson to hold and practise? Just because something is your opinion does not give it some kind of sacred status that absolves you of the basic obligation not to hurt other human beings with your words and/or actions, nor can you rebrand false information as an opinion to magically make it a truth. Lies are lies, there is no ambiguity about it. They are not “alternative facts” or “opinions,” and trying to claim that they are is clutching at straws trying to justify your lies in order that you don’t get called out for it.

But when it all comes down to it, I just simply do not understand why the prospect of two people who love each other being able to marry each other is such a threat to some. It changes exactly nothing about any other existing or future marriage or relationship, it only makes a difference to the (potential) spouses in question and their nearest and dearest. I saw one person claim that she was going to vote no because one of the reasons people were saying you should vote yes is because LGBTQI+ people and young ones especially were at significantly greater risk of experiencing depression or attempting suicide, but getting married is not going to change that so it’s really not a good reason to vote yes. How can a person be so willfully and blatantly disingenuous? Of course getting married is not a cure for mental health issues and no one is fucking claiming that it is. What it does do is helps to remove part of the reason people end up feeling that way in the first place, i.e. that they are continually shown that they and their relationships hold less value to the community than those of straight people.

Anyway. It’s not like I’m saying anything new or even unique. Millions of us feel the same way and millions of us have two more weeks to wait to see how this shitshow turns out. And then to see what the inept twats in our government are going to do with the outcome of this not-sticky shitshow. It’s such a festive time of year.

Here’s more I wrote earlier on the topic.

it’s a yes from me

i can’t remember

I can’t remember what I was going to write about. I wanted to try (again) to get back into the habit of writing more often. I was considering this week what I wanted to do with my blog, what level of detail or audience was appropriate and I am comfortable with. Part of this was prompted by a short little note I wrote to Daniel this week which I was particularly impressed with and felt it a shame that he would be the only one who could appreciate my masterpiece.

Regarding that particular piece of prose, in the end I think I decided that it’s a bit too explicitly personally intimate for me to feel comfortable with a wider audience. (That makes it sound like some kind of hard-core porn but it really wasn’t.) I really don’t know where this train of thought is going.

I have been feeling very lovey and mushy this week. It was just one of those types where there is nothing specific extra cool happening but everything runs smoothly and everyone is (for the most part) nice to everyone else and I felt very happy and appreciative of my family and my life. Then on Thursday it was our wedding anniversary (9 years) and that made me feel good. Daniel wrote me a love letter which I have wished for him to do for so long. I read it standing in the laundry out of the way of everyone else who had just gotten up and wanted drinks or breakfast or whatever else and when he turned around and saw me crying over it he laughed at me.

I also felt a certain amount of pride in our wedding anniversary. As we have been together for longer and become more and more accustomed to each other’s habits and moods and needs I feel more desire to be with him.. not just in the sexual sense but just being together, both doing things together and doing our own things while in each other’s company. He is what gives me comfort and and security and a sense of an anchor or lifeline that I can always return to when everything in the outside world becomes too much. And the pleasure in returning to the inner world of just us is also enhanced by the connections and glimpses I get of the greater universe and realms that I see for but a brief flash when we are joined. It doesn’t get boring after a long time, it just gets more comfortable and easy in the mundane moments and more intense and exhilirating in the moments of pleasure in each other.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, The probability that a marriage will end in divorce has been increasing over time. Based on the nuptiality tables, around 28% of marriages entered into in 1985–1987 could be expected to end in divorce. This proportion increased to 33% for all marriages entered into in 2000–2002. We got married in 1999, so I suppose that excluding all other factors, the general population chance that we could end up divorced is ~32%. I know people who began their relationships after we did and have already ended them and even moved onto others – more than one! How can people think that someone is right for them when they are not? How do you make that error multiple times? And if it’s not an error, if people know that the person they are with isn’t the right one, then why are they wasting time in that relationship or marriage when they could be finding the right person instead? How do people fight with their spouse? Not disagree, or even annoy or anger each other, we do that.. I mean real fighting where people yell and throw things and say the most horrible things to each other. How do people manage to get so caught up doing other things that they forget to “do” (not that kind of “do”, just actually giving time to them) their spouse? For me at least, if I don’t keep coming back to Daniel and cocooning and rejuvenating I start to feel lost and listless and alone and unable to manage the strain that interacting with the world takes on me.

I don’t understand how such a significant portion of the population can get it wrong. And since that 32% is not an insignificant number, are we actually going to be part of that group and are at the moment just deluding ourselves that we are any different? I don’t think we are, but how do you know you won’t when presumably most or all of the people who get married enter into it assuming that they will be part of the 68% rather than the 32%?

So. I feel good and encouraged that we have got this far and are still just as excited about being married to each other as we were when we got married. It is an encouragement that we will stay in the 68% group.

i can’t remember