sorry

I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself this week. It’s been quite hot which always makes things seem more difficult. Nothing really bad has happened to me but I have had lots of little accidents which piled up to make me feel rather attacked by Murphy.

Last Saturday I had a migraine which I tried to pretend I didn’t have by refusing to stop doing things, so my mother and Abigail and I went to the Brisstyle Market at Hamilton. I kept having nurofens and putting migrastick on to help it feel less bad. I think that was the start of my adventures. The migraine in itself and also getting migrastick very close to my eyes. I dab it across the top of my forehead at the hairline usually. But because it was really hot that day and we were walking back to the ferry, I was sweating. The sweat obviously carried the oils from the migrastick downwards and spread it out. My whole forehead and eyelids were burning icy sting. I had to use a baby wipe to get the stuff off myself. I joked to Daniel that now I knew what it was like to be him, as his skin is too sensitive to use migrastick because it just burns him.

I think the next thing I did was a paper cut on an envelope, of a Christmas card that Daniel’s parents sent us. I sliced it right across the base of my fingernail on my pointer finger. I was surprised at how much it bled. Then after I’d gotten that under control and bandaided up and stuff, I was mkaing dinner and stabbed the end of the knife into my finger accidentally. The opposite finger to the one I cut with the envelope, just to keep things balanced.

There was also pinching my finger between some pliers and dropping the tabletop of a small table on my fingers when I was taking it apart to put in the car to bring to my mum’s house for the kids to sit at for Midsummer lunch.

I’ve got another cut on the meaty/muscle part of my thumb that I don’t know where it came from. Then on Thursday afternoon I was getting ready for Daniel’s work end of year party and I was trying to straighten my hair a bit and somehow lost my grip on the straightening iron. Of course I regrabbed it straight away so it didn’t fall, except by that time my hand was around the hot part, giving me a rather painful burn on my thumb. I put ice on it which was great, but I couldn’t find my germolene so I couldn’t get that on it until we got to my mum’s house and I used hers. For about the first two hours if I took the ice off for more than about 15 seconds, it stung and burned like a son of a. Which is of course why, during that time, Kristian filled his nappy in a disgusting way. You can’t change a nappy while you’re holding an icepack.

While we were at the party I managed to get a splinter in my hand. No idea how, or where it came from. Luckily Daniel keeps a little splinter remover thing in his wallet. After we came back from the party, I spent the night at my mum and Neil’s house with the kids, since Daniel wanted to take the car to work the next day and he would have had to bring us back really early anyway because my grandparents and auntie came down yesterday to visit. The kids were supposed to be on mattresses on the floor but Abigail decided she would sleep in the bed too, so I spent most of the night right on the edge. I don’t know how such a skinny child takes up so much space. So that’s not entirely conducive to the most satisfying night’s sleep.

Abigail wasn’t feeling well yesterday so fun thing #1 occurred when she threw up all over me. And herself of course. I took her into the shower to get us cleaned off and when I tried to get out of the shower fun thing #2 for yesterday happened. The shower door is a bit stiff and I couldn’t open it properly, then one of the parts had come out of it’s track, so I was trying to lift it back in and while doing that managed to knock the other part out. It fell outwards, the bathroom door stopped it from sliding far away and spreading glass further but unfortunately that also meant that it fell on my two smallest toes, cutting them a bit too. I suppose I should be grateful that it didn’t hit Abigail at all but by that point I was seriously feeling pretty fucking sorry for myself and didn’t care about her, especially since it was her “fault” I was in the shower in the first place :) I also must have tried to catch the door a bit with my hand as I have a bruise on the corner pointy bone part of my wrist and that’s kind of tender.

Later after everyone was gone we decided to go in the pool again. I had to go and collect my bathers from the bath where I had thrown them after I rinsed them off in the shower (that’s what I was wearing when Abby threw up on me.) My mum and the girls went to the pool and Kristian was just wandering around near the pool waiting for me. Because he had been quite excited to get in the pool, he had been helpful by removing his own nappy.

I think most people can probably see where this is going.

Of course, it can never be so simple as to just have to wipe his bum and pick up the shite, can it? Dora took it upon herself to run off with the offending lumps in her mouth. So I had to chase after her with the pooper scooper and prise her jaws open to get her to spit it out. Oh yes, fun times INDEED.

To top it off, last night I started to feel most unwell and thought I must have had what Abigail had. Stephanie was ill earlier in the week too but it was thankfully one of those fleeting things and after a night’s sleep she was fine again. So I took myself to bed very early in order to hopefully make that go away.

I do feel better this morning, although somewhat tired still – probably from the late night and bad sleep Thursday as well as the valium I had last night to help me sleep better. Now today it is Midsummer and I am making a declaration. I WILL NOT be injured or thrown up on or shit on or otherwise inconvenienced or discomforted today. I WILL NOT. Or I may just snap.

sorry

i can’t remember

I can’t remember what I was going to write about. I wanted to try (again) to get back into the habit of writing more often. I was considering this week what I wanted to do with my blog, what level of detail or audience was appropriate and I am comfortable with. Part of this was prompted by a short little note I wrote to Daniel this week which I was particularly impressed with and felt it a shame that he would be the only one who could appreciate my masterpiece.

Regarding that particular piece of prose, in the end I think I decided that it’s a bit too explicitly personally intimate for me to feel comfortable with a wider audience. (That makes it sound like some kind of hard-core porn but it really wasn’t.) I really don’t know where this train of thought is going.

I have been feeling very lovey and mushy this week. It was just one of those types where there is nothing specific extra cool happening but everything runs smoothly and everyone is (for the most part) nice to everyone else and I felt very happy and appreciative of my family and my life. Then on Thursday it was our wedding anniversary (9 years) and that made me feel good. Daniel wrote me a love letter which I have wished for him to do for so long. I read it standing in the laundry out of the way of everyone else who had just gotten up and wanted drinks or breakfast or whatever else and when he turned around and saw me crying over it he laughed at me.

I also felt a certain amount of pride in our wedding anniversary. As we have been together for longer and become more and more accustomed to each other’s habits and moods and needs I feel more desire to be with him.. not just in the sexual sense but just being together, both doing things together and doing our own things while in each other’s company. He is what gives me comfort and and security and a sense of an anchor or lifeline that I can always return to when everything in the outside world becomes too much. And the pleasure in returning to the inner world of just us is also enhanced by the connections and glimpses I get of the greater universe and realms that I see for but a brief flash when we are joined. It doesn’t get boring after a long time, it just gets more comfortable and easy in the mundane moments and more intense and exhilirating in the moments of pleasure in each other.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, The probability that a marriage will end in divorce has been increasing over time. Based on the nuptiality tables, around 28% of marriages entered into in 1985–1987 could be expected to end in divorce. This proportion increased to 33% for all marriages entered into in 2000–2002. We got married in 1999, so I suppose that excluding all other factors, the general population chance that we could end up divorced is ~32%. I know people who began their relationships after we did and have already ended them and even moved onto others – more than one! How can people think that someone is right for them when they are not? How do you make that error multiple times? And if it’s not an error, if people know that the person they are with isn’t the right one, then why are they wasting time in that relationship or marriage when they could be finding the right person instead? How do people fight with their spouse? Not disagree, or even annoy or anger each other, we do that.. I mean real fighting where people yell and throw things and say the most horrible things to each other. How do people manage to get so caught up doing other things that they forget to “do” (not that kind of “do”, just actually giving time to them) their spouse? For me at least, if I don’t keep coming back to Daniel and cocooning and rejuvenating I start to feel lost and listless and alone and unable to manage the strain that interacting with the world takes on me.

I don’t understand how such a significant portion of the population can get it wrong. And since that 32% is not an insignificant number, are we actually going to be part of that group and are at the moment just deluding ourselves that we are any different? I don’t think we are, but how do you know you won’t when presumably most or all of the people who get married enter into it assuming that they will be part of the 68% rather than the 32%?

So. I feel good and encouraged that we have got this far and are still just as excited about being married to each other as we were when we got married. It is an encouragement that we will stay in the 68% group.

i can’t remember

about my love

Who is he?
Daniel

How long have you been together?
Almost 10 years.

Dating/Engaged/Married?
Married

How old is your man?
27

What’s his middle name?
Kristoffer

You or him:

Who eats more?
Him

Who said “I love you” first?
Him

Who weighs more?
Him

Who sings better?
Um.. me? But not much better :)

Who’s older?
Him

Who’s smarter?
We are smart in different ways. I am a lot more factually/mathematically/logically smart but he is a lot better at visual/spatial/co-ordination type things.

Whose temper is worse?
Him

Who does the laundry?
Me mostly but he occasionally helps.

Who does the dishes?
I do it mostly, filling and emptying the dishwasher, but he sometimes helps on the weekends.

Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?
From the point of view of being laid in the bed, he is on the right.

Whose feet are bigger?
Technically his, because they are a lot wider and chunkier than mine, but both of our feet are the same length pretty much.

Whose hair is longer?
Mine

Who’s better with the computer?
We are probably about equal, but in different areas. He knows about hardware and technical networky stuff to a much higher level than me, but I think I have gone a fair bit further than him in scripty/programmy stuff and I know more about web related technologies.

Who mows the lawn?
Both, but mostly me.

Who pays the bills?
I do the paying with what he earns for us.

Who cooks dinner?
Mostly me, but he will do simple things occasionally.

about my love