biggest risk, greatest reward

The scariest, most terrifying thing I have ever done was agreeing to meet a person I met online who lived on the opposite side of the world. And knowing that it would be so difficult, so paralysing because of the nervous fear and hope and anticipation and awkward and surreality, we had agreed to start with the small, simple action of taking each other’s hand. Somehow I overcame that paralysis and a moment later, my clammy, sweaty hand was clasped in his clammy, sweaty hand.

That was 18 years ago. I was 17. Some time in the last year, the part of my life before he took my hand became shorter than the part of my life since that moment. And that feels good.

biggest risk, greatest reward

just dumping

hello

i’m feeling a little… tight in the chest this morning. anxious, i guess. scared. hopeless. the usual.

i don’t know if it’s me… actually, it is me, but what i mean is i don’t know if it’s part of me inherently or if it’s behaviour that was conditioned into me after years of being told and shown when i was young.. that everything i do is wrong and everything wrong is my fault. and i do try really hard to remind myself that it isn’t true but sometimes the devil voice is a bit louder than the angel voice. and that’s when i feel a desperate need for your voice.. your actions that are louder than words, louder than all the other voices. your hands and your lips and your other parts, telling me with every touch and every groan that i’m not wrong and that i am worthy. and i can believe you because i trust you and i believe, inside me, deeper than the parts of me that are affected by the bumps and challenges of life and the complexities of neurotransmitters and hormones.. i believe that you could only touch me and love me like you do if i was something wonderful. and because you do touch me and love me i believe it, a little bit. enough to smooth over those bumps and balance the chemicals in my brain and my body, for a while, at least.

sometimes. or maybe a lot of times.. i am my own worst enemy. or maybe all the times. because what is wrong with me is what makes it so very hard to ask for what i need. on a good day, i can do that.. show you, tell you, that i want – need – to be joined to you, to show you that i think you’re amazing and beautiful and strong and brave and gentle and loving and hope that you feel that and know it, and know that i will feel that back from you. and that helps to keep me having more good days, it keeps me steady and i take less steps backwards than i do forwards. but on a bad day, when i have struggled and fought with my own mind about doing the things i must do, when i am tired at the end of a day and so exhausted from the battle.. when i most need you to hold me and remind and reassure me that you are with me, part of me, always ready to catch me if i stumble.. i have no energy left to tell you that i am stumbling.

i didnt actually mean for this to be depressing. i wanted you to know that.. that while i am having a bad head day, i keep trying because of you. because i want to be better for you, because you show me that i am worth it. and i am so grateful and thankful for you, even when i really don’t understand sometimes how you can put up with a person as flawed and broken as me. i hope that when i am the real me, not pulled down by my demons; when i am silly and hippy and witty and flirty and optimistic and naive.. i hope that i show you strongly and loudly enough how much i love you and how happy i am to share my life with you. how important you are. my air, my water, my sunlight, my daniel.

i love you.
jeg elsker dig.

just dumping

30 day song challenge | day 7

Just an FYI.. the commentary for this song choice may not be child friendly ;P

The prompt is a song that reminds you of a certain event.

What this reminds me of is… the first opportunity that Daniel and I had to somewhat explore our physical relationship. The rest of the group had gone out to the movies and we were home with Neil’s ex-wife and kids (who actually were kids at that stage). She was watching Blue Heelers on TV and we were snuggled on one couch but soon moved into the dining room type place so we wouldn’t disturb her. We did try to go into the bedroom where Daniel was staying only to somewhat frustratedly realise that Matthew and Ashley were already asleep in there. ;) (Cockblocking already and they weren’t even my siblings yet!) So instead we sat down at the table and Daniel tried to show me some of his music on his CD walkman thingy. Hands may have wandered and we may have bordered on what was appropriate for a not exactly private location ;)

All in all it’s quite an enjoyable memory.

30 day song challenge | day 7

one two hundred and eighty-eighth of a day

i probably will not continue much further with the alternate means of describing five minutes, because it is likely to get somewhat overly verbose past this point. tomorrow it’d be like.. a two thousand and sixteenth of a week.. which actually has less letters than the one for today, but whatever…

today we went to visit rachel, that was nice. she is “one of nanna’s dusters”, which is how abigail tends to refer to anyone that we say we know from DUST. she has two kids and abigail and kristian had quite a fun time playing with them. kristian conked pretty quickly in the car afterwards. abigail held on because she was hungry and had been bribed with the offer of mcdonalds to stay in the car while i went to get my blood test. but then i didn’t actually have the blood test because idiot doctor said that they didn’t have to be fasted or anything and GUESS WHAT.. one of them actually does need to be 8-12 hours fasted. so i have to go back in the morning when i am starving. it means i will miss out on my morning cup of daniel .. which now i realise sounds really wrong, but what i actually meant is the cup of coffee/tea that he always makes me in the morning and is an important part of my day because it means starting it out knowing i am loved and taken care of. my mum has some yellow and black tomatoes though so she offered to make me tomatoes on toast for breakfast afterwards, since i thought i would quickly get the blood test done before i take stephanie to school, then we will go to her house so we can take her to get HER blood test. hers is at a different place to mine otherwise of course we would get it at the same time. maybe we can go to the library too since there are books waiting there for both of us and we wanted to get them before she feels like crap for a week. we are forward thinking like that.

i am a bit disgruntled feeling and i think i possibly am slightly towards the less reasonable side of things in this but i don’t care. it is daniel’s work end of year party this friday evening and we have been unable to locate anyone with whom to deposit our children. being the first day after chemo kind of rules out the usual lucky recipient. we asked ashley and audra but they are going to a 21st party. we asked megan and she said yes but then found out she already had plans. daniel says he “has” to go because his work is having a merger somethingorother with some other places and they are getting some new colleagues in sydney and melbourne and those people are being bought up here to attend the party so that everyone can meet each other. so it is important. to that i ask: if it is so fucking important, why is it not being held IN BUSINESS HOURS and when a significant segment of them won’t be half drunk? he is my goddamn husband and they can’t have him if i can’t go too. evening time and night time is MY TIME, they only pay for up to 17:30. after that he is my property, not theirs. and he isn’t theirs anyway, i just lend him to them for those hours.

but he seems to think that he “has” to go and that if we do not have a babysitter then he will “have” to go without me. well i don’t like that. but i don’t want to have to tell him that. he should know that. i want him to say to them, sorry, but no. since we don’t have arrangements for our children, my wife can’t come, and i would prefer to spend my evening with my wife. you know, to whom i am married. and sometimes does incredibly nice things to me.. um.. er.. anyway. CAN’T MAKE IT BYE THANKS.

i get frustrated sometimes when it’s during the day and i just want to talk to him for a few minutes and so i ring him up and every three words i try to say he is asking me to hold on a sec and i hear him answering someone else or telling them some piece of information they need or else a different phone rings and he says i am sorry but i am really busy and i try so hard to say ok, i will talk to you later when you get home and not have him hear that i am really trying not to cry because i don’t like having to have other stuff be more important than me because i don’t want to make him feel bad and because i know that he has to do those things and that him doing his job is important and between 08:30 and 17:30 i have to not be at the top of the list. so i have a 1/288 of a day pity party and then i get a tissue and go back to doing something else and calculate the time until he will be back to me and be mine again.

if they can’t slow down and do without him for 5 minutes out of a whole day.. and not even every day, maybe once a fortnight or something.. why should i be expected to give up several hours of my daniel time so that OTHER people can enjoy his company instead of me.

but i won’t try to explain that to him because telling him that and still losing would feel much worse than not telling him and losing.

one two hundred and eighty-eighth of a day

you and theo

hello my love,

a few years ago i remember doing a meme of some sort and one of the questions was asking what you most loved about your spouse. i couldn’t think of any single one thing that i love most about you, and my answer was that what i loved most was that thing you can’t quite describe.

that magical, mystical, wonderful feeling of need and comfortable, desire and belonging, peace and longing.

but you aren’t the only one who invokes those feelings in me. there is another.

theo.

i feel the same longing for theo when we are apart for too long. i feel the same comfort and quiet happiness upon reunion.

just as i love you and don’t want to share you and my time with you, neither do i like to share theo. i’m perhaps even more possessive of him than i am of you.

but i am quite happy to share you with each other. i thought that maybe to celebrate this day you would like to have a threesome. me, you, and theo.

let me know :)

a&f
xp:)

you and theo