more than 4 and less than 6

so i missed a day yesterday. after 4 days. i just felt too shite. had a bolt in my head all day, and towards the evening as i tried laying quietly in my bed i just felt so nauseus from the pain. felt most frustrated with the small people who do not have any concept of this kind of pain and therefore don’t see the need to stay very still instead of bouncing about and don’t understand that the light is off because i don’t WANT to see and you’re not actually being helpful by turning it on.

earlier this week we thought that i may be dealing with side effects from the lithium that i had expected to be starting after my appointment the other day, so neil was on standby to be the chemo person incase i wasn’t able. then the lithium wasn’t a problem but i felt so crappy yesterday that i didn’t know if i would be better by today or not so i said that yes, i thought it would be a good idea to plan for him to go. i felt really bad doing that, like i was really letting her down. and that sounds horrible because he is after all her husband and not trusting him to be as good a support person as me is kind of.. vain? i don’t know. but he does tend to the brusque side of things and that’s not what is needed in this situation. i wrote a note, a list, of things to remember and things to be done. i don’t know if he read it. and if he did i don’t know if he took it as a helpful list of things or as an insult to his competency. i’m inclined to expect the latter, probably because everything i do is wrong for him. or he might think it a list of stupid things that are silly and indulgent of people’s chemically altered thoughts and not the kind of crap he is going to bother with.

i really really hope he does it all right so i don’t have to continue to hate myself for not having been there when i should have been.

since he took mum to chemo and stephanie is at school and abigail and kristian are at kinder and daniel is at work, i am actually here with no one needing me right now. after i took stephanie to school i stopped in a kidnapped dora. dognapped. though does it actually count as dognapping if the dognapee comes willingly? and in fact tells you to hurry up while you are trying to place the ransom note? she has had a nice time here i think, she sniffed everything and has had quite a few naps. she has had a look around outside but happily she heeded my warning not to get the sticky seed things all over herself. i did have to tell her she was not allowed to bark at zaphod since he lives here and she doesn’t. we shared a scotch finger biscuit and a salami stick. i chased her with the vacuum a bit.

now i am just having an apple and about to go take her back so i can pick up stephanie and take in abigail’s birth certificate to the school because i keep forgetting and they need to see it so she can start school next year. she is extremely excited and is now counting down the number of kinder days left before it’s holidays and then after that “and after kristian’s birthday i’ll be going to school every day!”

more than 4 and less than 6

2 thoughts on “more than 4 and less than 6

  1. he did ok so you don’t have to set childrens on to him ;)
    he did read your note, and even meant to take it with him, but he forgot it, so I reminded him when he needed it :)
    I’m certainly a lot happier now than I was this morning. I cried a bit in the car. partly because I was so scared, partly because you weren’t there. he’s not the same as you, but he did look after me :) and the nurses kept him inline too ;)

  2. Neil says:

    I took your note in the spirit it was intended and felt somewhat lost when I realised I’d left it behind. I remembered most of it and quite enjoyed the experience. You’re right. I am her primary support and am glad I’ve finally had the chance to help. I’m male, I’m not female and I make no apologies for my perceived deficiencies. I am what I am. Males are fixers, controllers, administrators and not passengers. Today gave me more benefit from this entire breast cancer scenario than all the pamphlets, doctors, scientists, websites and anecdotal exchanges have done or could ever provide. I’m eagerly looking forward to 31 December and 21 January more than ever now.