one two hundred and eighty-eighth of a day

i probably will not continue much further with the alternate means of describing five minutes, because it is likely to get somewhat overly verbose past this point. tomorrow it’d be like.. a two thousand and sixteenth of a week.. which actually has less letters than the one for today, but whatever…

today we went to visit rachel, that was nice. she is “one of nanna’s dusters”, which is how abigail tends to refer to anyone that we say we know from DUST. she has two kids and abigail and kristian had quite a fun time playing with them. kristian conked pretty quickly in the car afterwards. abigail held on because she was hungry and had been bribed with the offer of mcdonalds to stay in the car while i went to get my blood test. but then i didn’t actually have the blood test because idiot doctor said that they didn’t have to be fasted or anything and GUESS WHAT.. one of them actually does need to be 8-12 hours fasted. so i have to go back in the morning when i am starving. it means i will miss out on my morning cup of daniel .. which now i realise sounds really wrong, but what i actually meant is the cup of coffee/tea that he always makes me in the morning and is an important part of my day because it means starting it out knowing i am loved and taken care of. my mum has some yellow and black tomatoes though so she offered to make me tomatoes on toast for breakfast afterwards, since i thought i would quickly get the blood test done before i take stephanie to school, then we will go to her house so we can take her to get HER blood test. hers is at a different place to mine otherwise of course we would get it at the same time. maybe we can go to the library too since there are books waiting there for both of us and we wanted to get them before she feels like crap for a week. we are forward thinking like that.

i am a bit disgruntled feeling and i think i possibly am slightly towards the less reasonable side of things in this but i don’t care. it is daniel’s work end of year party this friday evening and we have been unable to locate anyone with whom to deposit our children. being the first day after chemo kind of rules out the usual lucky recipient. we asked ashley and audra but they are going to a 21st party. we asked megan and she said yes but then found out she already had plans. daniel says he “has” to go because his work is having a merger somethingorother with some other places and they are getting some new colleagues in sydney and melbourne and those people are being bought up here to attend the party so that everyone can meet each other. so it is important. to that i ask: if it is so fucking important, why is it not being held IN BUSINESS HOURS and when a significant segment of them won’t be half drunk? he is my goddamn husband and they can’t have him if i can’t go too. evening time and night time is MY TIME, they only pay for up to 17:30. after that he is my property, not theirs. and he isn’t theirs anyway, i just lend him to them for those hours.

but he seems to think that he “has” to go and that if we do not have a babysitter then he will “have” to go without me. well i don’t like that. but i don’t want to have to tell him that. he should know that. i want him to say to them, sorry, but no. since we don’t have arrangements for our children, my wife can’t come, and i would prefer to spend my evening with my wife. you know, to whom i am married. and sometimes does incredibly nice things to me.. um.. er.. anyway. CAN’T MAKE IT BYE THANKS.

i get frustrated sometimes when it’s during the day and i just want to talk to him for a few minutes and so i ring him up and every three words i try to say he is asking me to hold on a sec and i hear him answering someone else or telling them some piece of information they need or else a different phone rings and he says i am sorry but i am really busy and i try so hard to say ok, i will talk to you later when you get home and not have him hear that i am really trying not to cry because i don’t like having to have other stuff be more important than me because i don’t want to make him feel bad and because i know that he has to do those things and that him doing his job is important and between 08:30 and 17:30 i have to not be at the top of the list. so i have a 1/288 of a day pity party and then i get a tissue and go back to doing something else and calculate the time until he will be back to me and be mine again.

if they can’t slow down and do without him for 5 minutes out of a whole day.. and not even every day, maybe once a fortnight or something.. why should i be expected to give up several hours of my daniel time so that OTHER people can enjoy his company instead of me.

but i won’t try to explain that to him because telling him that and still losing would feel much worse than not telling him and losing.

one two hundred and eighty-eighth of a day