three hundred seconds

it tends to get later than one plans and you realise that you still haven’t spent that five minutes you told yourself you were going to spend, and part of you really just wants to chill with sudoku or the book of the moment but it would be really, really lacklustre to fail at the five minutes a day after just one day…
so, if there is in fact anybody other than my mother reading this, it occurred to me that perhaps some elaboration on yesterday’s outpouring would be useful. a few months back I noticed that I wasn’t feeling as I should be, at the time I took a brief mental note of it and decided to be aware of it, to see if it was a bad week or something or if it was something actually not working properly in my head.

and it slowly declined over a few months – probably not helped by the life-changing events of late, but not caused by it; this was there before all that started. after a couple of serious low episodes I knew it wasn’t a bad week, and I knew that it was time to get help. so initially, luke increased my dose of efexor, with a one month return date to discuss the effectiveness of the change. that put me up to 450mg a day, which is quite a high dose.
didn’t work. when we went back, we talked about the options available – another increase in dose or a switch to a different drug. another increase would really start to go into the uberserious high range, which he felt was going past his comfort zone as a gp rather than someone specialising in nutcases who has more familiarity and experience with the effects of those kind of levels of the drug. Since the increase we already did failed to make any noticeable difference, he thought that perhaps trying something else would be better, and also to refer me to a proper head doctor because maybe i was severe enough to warrant the consideration of other treatments such as ect.
it was at that point, when he started to talk about weaning me off the efexor in order to try something else, that Daniel and my mother practically begged him to not make me be drugless for any stretch of time. Could he give me something else to balance it out, they asked. what if this, what if that, they asked. basically, he said, was that what it came down to was living through it or sedating me through it, which is obviously not a particularly practical option. in the end, we decided to leave the drugs as they were and just go with the referral to the head doctor, so that they could advise us on the best course of action.

so two weeks ago daniel and I went to the head doctors, and I explained in great detail my life story and the exact nature of the darkness that invades my mind, which took several hours and a lot of effort, as sometimes it is extremely difficult to translate into words the feelings and non-verbal thoughts that I experience, and where they come from and how I percieve them and how they affect me and how I fight them, and about how the war has not been going well..

the good thing is that head doctor man (who I don’t think looks old enough to be a head doctor man) doesn’t think that i am at the level yet to consider ect, he thinks that there are more pharmacological options to try before we get to that point. The bad thing was that in order to try some of those pharmacological options, I had to wean down to a lesser dose of the efexor before I can have another drug added in. so that has been going on for the last two weeks, two dose reductions a week apart. the first was the worst, the first three days in particular I felt like absolute shite – shaking, nausea, retching, sweats, vagueness, tiredness. it was like that the second time too but to a much lesser degree.

and now tomorrow I will go back to head doctor man and tell him about the last two weeks and he will check the blood test results he sent me to have. we are supposed to also talk about getting some further counselling since it has been beneficial to me in the past, and then talk about/arrange the introduction of a new drug: lithium.

three hundred seconds

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