The last week or so it feels like I have constantly been saying no to people. No, you can’t have that. Or that. Or that. Not that either. I am not a fucking millionaire, why do you seem to think I am? No. No. No. Must you keep asking? I already said no to that! That was [insert sibling name] that asked, not me! Oh! That makes it completely different… NOT! NO!!

So I decided to make a list of what I want. I don’t ask anyone for these things because there is no one to ask. On the plus side, there isn’t anyone saying no to me. On the not plus side, not having anyone higher up the chain responsible for providing for me means that I am all too aware how unlikely it is I will get some things, ever, and others for at least a very long time. And you know there’s a whole depressing pathetic spiral about misshapen bodies that are falling apart and making even the simplest of tasks difficult and the idea of being able to do something meaningful towards achieving these things my own personal Everest. (Except in this analogy I am not Hillary, I am one of the people who dies before they get to the top.) Anyway. Wasn’t intending to go that path today.

· A house. It has at least four bedrooms, decently sized ones. It has network cabling throughout, ducted vacuuming, reverse cycle air conditioning (super energy efficient of course), a fuck-load of solar panels all over it and one of those fancy Tesla battery things. There is greenery in the garden but it is super low maintenance. There’s shade, and a medium sized pool with one of those clever natural UV/charcoal/bacteria filter systems and a solar powered temperature control so the water is pleasant without having to be in direct sunlight. Anyway, if you are gonna build me a dream house you should probably look at my Pinterest board on the subject.

· Two brand new perfectly working cars, with the fuel efficiency and electric and whatever. I don’t know about the car technology but I want the best balance between performance and environmentally friendly that is available right now. Daniel’s one can have turbo or stripes or something so it is manly. Loud speakers that go doof doof. One of those exhaust pipes that is noisy and men will tell you sounds amazeballs and women will be like.. it’s noisy. I will just have the plain quiet kind. They will of course do all automatically Bluetooth with our phones for music and nav and stuff. I would like my car to be dark charcoal grey, I will have to check on Daniel’s colour pref. Oh and they need to have a remote control that unlocks it and goes bweep bweep when you forgot where you parked. And darkest legal tint on windows because The Sun.

· A Google Pixel 2 or a Samsung Galaxy S8. I’m not fussy, I will take either. I would of course like the biggest storage version. Not the XL or Plus or whatever with the bigger screen, I like it to still fit in my hand. And one for Daniel too. Black for both of us.

· I have fairly recently had a new tablet that I am pretty happy with but I would not turn down one of the large iPad Pros with an Apple Pencil for artistic purposes. One for my mum too would be cool. I would like to have another Galaxy Tab S3 like mine for Daniel to have because he has a few years older version. He does not need the iPad. He is allergic to apples.

· New computers for everyone. With all the best everything. There are a few special requests. Daniel’s should have adequate power and processing to easily support dual monitors. Which are of course huge and amazeballs. One monitor each should be fine for the rest of us. Can we get them with really clever adjustable arms for the keyboard/mouse and monitors as well as super ergonomic chairs suited to each of us. My mum’s one should have a smaller extra monitor with a webcam on it that can be placed at floor level for when Dora needs to Skype people. Or maybe a tablet of her own would be better. I don’t know, I shouldn’t have to figure this out, I am the giftee. We all would like generally awesome keyboards and mouse but Daniel should have the most kick-arse gaming ones available, with macros and super fast clicks and shit like that. Headphones too. Super comfortable ones. Wireless would be great, can you get that nowadays? Them for everyone. (Not Dora, they would not fit her very well.) Also, someone else will come and set all these up in our new house so that Daniel doesn’t have to do it but they have to ask him all his preferences for network settings and things like that and do it how he says.

· We will have a puppy and a kitten who are born on the same day. I am not exactly sure what kind of puppy but the kitten will be a Burmese or maybe Burmese x Ragdoll. Or a Bengal, cause they are clever. And we could take them for walks together. They can have like a special plumbed in litter tray that basically is a toilet for cats and dogs. I don’t know if such a thing exists but you can invent it. Also in our house you should build some of those cat walkway playground things, because those are cool.

· A machete. I don’t really have any need or use for one, I just want one.

· Chocolate. Of course. I shouldn’t really need to include this in the list but anyway.